Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
