ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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