Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
