the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Success! We fucked roommates!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
