oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize