I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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