All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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