i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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