put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
