we're chasing vodka with high fives
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
