opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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