apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
