I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
