I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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