i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
