Swine flu. Run for my life!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
