I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
