I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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