I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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