New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
