thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
