What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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