Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
