my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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