My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
