when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
