And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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