dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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