all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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