It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
