I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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