Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
