woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
