So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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