I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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