Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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