On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
