I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
