I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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