Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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