my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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