my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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