Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
