Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
