I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
