I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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