I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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