there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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