Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
