Dude my mom stole all your condoms
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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