Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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