don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
