She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
